Family Ties...

Today I was at a social event with my sister (who has two children despite her severe endometriosis) and several other women. My sister mentioned in casual conversation that my husband is going into medicine and should be a pediatrician because he is so good with children. "Oh, so I guess your own will be good practice, eh?" a woman asked me. I smiled and agreed, knowing that this woman had no idea what I was going through and didn't mean the comment to be rude, but inside I suddenly felt like the biggest failure. I felt this overwhelming guilt that I can't give my husband the child he (and I) want so badly. I know logically that I might become pregnant next month or in six months or next year and that I shouldn't feel guilty for what my body is doing, but I couldn't help but feel like the most inadequate woman in the world. Then I thought back to a comment made by my sister a few days ago. I know, like the previous comment, that it was totally innocent in nature, but it still stung:

"Mom mentioned that you might have to take fertility drugs..."
"Not yet, the doctor wants to try a different medication first, but I might need to do that in the future."
"Don't take fertility drugs, you're risk of multiples goes up so much. Besides, no one in our family has ever had to take fertility drugs."

I'm not quite sure what she intended by the comment, but I quickly excused myself from the phone before I broke into tears. I felt like saying, "Thanks for the helpful reminder of how defective I am compared to everyone else!", but I restrained. I just don't think my family understands this right now. I really don't think that they believe that I have a problem. They keep telling me to keep trying naturally and it will happen.

It's Always The One You Least Suspect...

My whole life I've been told that sex causes babies. Everyone, from the high school sex ed teacher, to my parents, to television sitcoms teach us that "all is takes is one time." So we take birth control and use condoms and all sorts of other methods to prevent pregnancy, under the assumption that all we have to do is have one or two little romps under the covers to make a baby. And for most of us that might be true. But it occured to me today that I never imagined that I would ever have trouble conceiving. When we decided to have a baby, I sat down with a calendar and figured out the exact week I expected to conceive, and happily looked forward to those two elusive lines on a pee stick two weeks later. It was a total shock when I was finally told I couldn't get pregnant without help. I think it finally hit me today, at work, in a patient's room, and I got teary eyed. I just kept thinking "I never imagined it would be like this." My tears weren't out of rage or anger. I just realized how misinformed I had been, and I was sad for myself, not in self-pity, but the kind of sadness I would feel if I had heard the same news about my sister or a friend. I guess you're always the one you least suspect...